Poetry: Part 2
 

The other poetry thread was old and outdated. And I wrote another poem and I wanted it to have it's own thread. :p

Anway...I was feeling really down and angry, so I wrote a peom. It's a really bad poem, but I didnt write it to be good, I wrote it to make me feel good.

---------------------------------------
I'm not impressed by your desolation.
I won't glorify your lonliness.
I don't care about your problems,
The way you seem to think I should.

I'm sick of your selfishness,
I'm to selfish to care about your sickness.
I hate your entire operation,
Unlike the way you seem think I should.

I don't give a damn about your emptyness,
I could care less about your broken tears,
My shattered shadows are overflowing with them.
Because I felt the way you thought I should.

I love you.
The way I think I should.

----------------------------------

I need a good title......

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

Synonyms of Love <~~sounds like a good title...

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

Sure, I'll take the bait. This is a work in progress...

Trapped inside the walls you built
You sit atop, and stare outside
Because although this life is dull
In safety you'd much rather reside

Guilt, Pain, Doubt, and Fear
all of them live, it's true
but as do Happiness, Comfort and Love
the choice is up to you

The walls are cold, the stone lays dead,
Everything seems oddly surreal
And although the sun shines in the sky
Its warmth you cannot feel

You know where the door is
It's right over there, y'see?
Step outside the walls, my friend
Suck it up, come with me

From here on out, anything goes
and when it's over,
many battles will be fought.
But you took that step outside, my friend
and in the end you'll look back:
It was definately worth the shot.

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

Nice, Stu...very nice. :) I like it.


Here is my latest creation: (written at 1:10 AM the other morning. lol.)

-----------------------------------
Threads of time intertwine,
Slipping, sliding,
Finally unwraveling.
I want you to be mine,
You're just out of reach,
And I cant seem to find,
The words that I seek.
The threads have split now,
Lost in a million yarns.
They're too large for the needles head,
For my heart.
I lost it before I could find it,
Your hiding them from me,
In your river of shadows,
and your wall of tears.
You've stolen my thimble,
torn my quilt,
Broken my fingers,
And they bleed...
Pin prick blood stains on your soul.
---------------------------------------

What do you think, Stu?

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

Someones already probably done this but, here goes. Now i have to let you know that i poured my heart and soul into this....This Poem is entitled

Love Bytes

100010101010100101,
1010101010101010101010100.0101,
00101010001010101101010,
010101010101,
010101,
101010101010101010101,
01000101001011101010011101010,
101010101010000000101010101001010,
11110101000101010101010,
101010,
1000101010101010010100101,
010101010101010101.


Please be gentile when reading that. It means alot to me.

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

some awesome work here... wanted to share another one of mine while vamp and stu were at it.

per request of jeepnut:
The Dance

It began with a song
The beginning of a new life
Our song played, and we danced
My gown of flowing white
Your suit black as night
And I remember the dance well

Now there are three of us
The beginning of a new life
A lullaby played, and we danced
My hair disheveled, yours the same
The child’s sweet face in slumber
And I remember the dance well

Again, just you and me
Somehow it all comes together
The music and the love
The look in your eyes
And the feelings in my heart
I remember the dance well

The first and the last

~Alexis MM McGeahy
11 June 2003

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

you want us all to be non-jewish people when we read it? ok..

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

Interesting structure. What made you decide to end all lines with syntactic pauses? It creates a more formal balance, which is one way to go. I question the rhyme scheme though. If you are going with the more formal regularity that I mentioned above, it would be nice to see the rhyme scheme stay more consistent and true. I suppose you may have been mixing in some free verse, which can be done well if used effectively. I'm not sure that you did it perfectly, but I applaud the effort to infuse it.

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

I apreciate your constructive critisism, but i like my poem the way it is, its dirty and raw, and straight from the heart.
In all honesty i wrote that song one time at band camp.....but lets not get into that right now.

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

Awesome poem, JS. :)

More than worth this +rep.

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

Ok, this thing that I wrote wasn't ever meant to be a poem, but I've converted it into one....

Unionville 3

My parents called us
into the living room. Sitting on opposite couches
in the living room, they both spoke a little bit about how they were getting
separated.
I didn’t comprehend what this meant, but since everyone
else was sad, I was sad too. This was a time in my life when I poured
Sprite into my cereal because we were out of milk
and I drank beer one Saturday morning when we were out of Coca-Cola
because I didn’t know any better.
How was I supposed to understand the ramifications of this event? Now I know
to only pour milk onto cereal,
and that beer is not a good substitute if you feel like a soda.
But still,
how am I supposed to understand the ramifications of this event?

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

heh.....Thats good. You know when its a good poem when you can end a line with the word "Coca-Cola"

+reps for that...

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

Nice one Germ... :)

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

Things have been going pretty good for me. No heart breaks or bad times to inspire poem writing. I'll give it a go later though.

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

Very nicely done. I can actually relate to this poem...which is uncommon. +rep

+rep JS, you're far more talented than I am at poetry...good stuff

+rep Germy, I liked it

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

Thanx for the update on your social life....What was the thead name again...Right...Poetry.......Heh, im kiddin, ur aaaaaaaaalright.

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

Careful. Talk like that could make you lose that shiny new green pip. ;)

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

Its ok, he knows im kiddin........ :sneaky: :unsure:

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

I've got a new poem. I popped this out of my head in like 3 minutes, so it needs A LOT of work. This is just a rough draft that I will operate more on later.
-------------------------
Despite all the odds,
I refuse to not regret.

Despite all the odds
Here I stand.
Despite all the odds
I'm still waiting for your hand...
Despite all the odds.

I regret all the moments not spent with you,
I regret all the kisses I never gave,
I regret all the hugs that I would never give.

I cannot rewind the moments
I can never make up for the pain.
Life will never let me love you again,
Because despite all the odds...
it just doesn't work that way.
-------------------------------------

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

I wrote two poems/songs in the past couple days. I want you guys to critique them:

Lacerated

You sold me your heart,
You sold me your soul,
You sold me your smile,
You sold me your dreams,
In a ten dollar wine bottle-
-In a ten dollar wine bottle...

There are lacerations in your smile,
There are lacerations on your face,
There are lacerations in your soul.
And they bleed...
Snow drop pearls of guilt,
Flooding your ravine of sorrow and silt.

I'm the lacerator of your body,
The hemmorage of your heart.
I punctured your body,
let the blood trickle down.
Cutting out your innocence,
Lacerating your insides.

And now you're lacerated!
You bit the bullet,
Felt the pain,
And watched as passion reaped its gain.-
And now you're laserated!

I sold you my heart,
I sold you my soul,
I sold you my smile,
In a ten dollar wine bottle.-
-In a ten dollar wine bottle.

There are lacerations in my smile,
There are lacerations on my face,
There are lacerations in my soul.
And they bleed...
Smoke cinder drops of rain,
Flooding my ravine of pleasure and flame.

You're the lacerator of my body,
The anurism of my mind.
Thrusting my body,
Let the fluid trickle out.
Pumping away my innocence,
Lacerating my outsides.

And now I'm lacerated!
I bit the bullet,
Felt the pain,
And watched as passion reaped it's gain.
And now I'm lacerated.



48 Months

Adulthood is creeping at your door,
And I can't stand these thoughts any more.
Despite my fear,
The good-bye flames are going to burn you away from here.

And I sang:
How will you change?
Will you have forgotten the pain,
After spending four long years in the rain,
Will you still be the same?

Will you remember me,
When I'm lost in your web of memories?

Will I become that lost warrior of your heart,
as the salty waves wash by,
and push us oceans apart?

When you see the stars,
Will they still remind you of me?
Or will I be burnt
Into your invisible scars?

How will you change?
Will you have forgotten the pain,
After spending four long years in the rain,
Will you still be the same?

Will you still know me,
If I clipped both my wings?
Will you still call me a friend,
If you find me lying broken at the end?




Any suggestions?

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

i'll say it now...im gonna double post..

I wrote this one a couple of months ago..( it took me about 10 minutes..and yes its supposed to be the way it is)

------------Saphrophite (Apples and Oranges)----


Hardballs comin round the bend,
a tear so big its hard to mend,
Curveballs comin up the hill,
divebomb straight and down, it will,
fire burnin at my feet,
feelin that i wanna meet,
apple with a sour taste,
but the orange makes good case,

Bugs crawlin up my skin,
gotta get 'em with a pin,
tennents bangin on the door,
girlfriends bangin on the floor,
alright and shake your head,
while your sleepin in my bed,
voices wont leave the top,
penguins are always hot,
cameras flashin in my face,
light should go and find its place,
needles pokin in my skin,
but i will not let 'em in,
fire burnin at my feet,
a feelin that i wanna meet,
apple with a sour taste,
but the orange makes good case.

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

Now the second one....to complete the double post..

---------Downslide-----------------------

Am i the one whos goin crazy,
cuz ive been hearin voices lately,
never know what theyre gonna say,
but i'll listen anyway

need the rush, feel the fever,
goin crazy, need to see her,
tender lips and soft soft skin,
i think im goin crazy again,

i need to know what shes gonna say,
she wouldnt tell me anyway,
the voices creepin through my skin,
think im slidin down again,

need the rush, feel the fever,
goin crazy, need to see her,
tender lips and soft soft skin,
i think im goin crazy again,

downslides creepin up on me,
dont know what its gonna be,
cant remember what i said,
so i'll go crazy instead,

need the rush, feel the fever,
goin crazy, need to see her,
tender lips and soft soft skin,
im goin crazy again.


(please be gentile...and theese were meant to be songs, not poems.)

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

I wrote a poem recently for poetry class, yeah...it's lame, but what the hell.. Untitled.

Battle of the bands,
freshman year.
Don’t remember who booed,
Don’t remember who cheered.

I wore a motorcycle helmet,
with red, white, and blue stripes to make me appear gallant.
Though if you must know,
it was more to cover up for a lack of talent.

I think my favorite moment was,
when we covered the theme to Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
Or maybe it was when Nick faked a seizure,
and we pushed him out on a wheelchair.

So that ended the show,
with the crowd and its blank face.
We must not have offended the judges,
because we got second place.

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

I liked your second song the best.

It would be nice if there was a way for us to just post an actual audio file of us singing it the way it is supposed to sound, because songs are hard to express in written words.

I plan on editing and revising my 48 Months poem tomorrow when I wake up, using some tips Typhoid has given me on MSN. :)

+rep

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

This might be the dreaded triple post...i didnt want to make all of this one post, cuz it'd be too damn long


-------------Nowhere-------------

You broke my heart,
sawed it up,
you fell asleep,
filled the cup,
worry gets places,
killing sad faces,
yellin, screamin, all in meanin,
getting nowhere fast,

You scared the skies,
scared the man,
you played me stupid,
its hit the fan,
worry not no more,
take it in for score,
carpets are killin me,
somethings come to see,
yellin from the stairs,
fightin in the pairs,
fists are in the ground,
just to hear the sound,
worry gets places,
killing sad faces,
yellin, screamin, all in meanin,
getting nowhere fast.

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

Update:

48 Months

Adulthood is creeping at your door,
And I can't stand these thoughts any more.
Despite my fear,
The good-bye flames are going to burn you away from here.

And I sang:
How will you change?
Will you have forgotten the pain,
After spending four long years in the rain,
Will you still be the same?

Will you remember me,
When I'm lost in your web of memories?

Will I become that lost warrior of your heart,
as the salty waves wash by,
and push us oceans apart?

When you see the stars,
Will they still remind you of me?
Or will I be burnt
Into your invisible scars?

How will you change?
Will you have forgotten the pain,
After spending four long years in the rain,
Will you still be the same?

Will you still know me,
If I clipped both my wings?
Will you still call me a friend,
If you find me lying broken at the end?

Will my hands still be able to make you laugh?
Will you still look like my old photograph?
Will your wondering words still captivate?
Will your blissful beauty still resonate?

How will you change,
Will you have forgotten the pain,
After spending four long years in the rain,
Will you still be the same?

Down the road and around the curve,
When reality and love cause us to swerve,
Will you still think that we were wise?
Or will you continue to tell the lies?

You hold your self-rightous lantern above your head,
While the fallen angels echo the songs of the dead.
When your eyes glaze over with the knowledge of tomorrow,
Will you remember yesterday's sorrow?

How will you change?
Will you have forgotten the pain,
After spending four long years in the rain,
Will you still be the same?

Re: Poetry: Part 2
 

Good jaerb..