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Originally Posted by The Germanator
Interesting structure. What made you decide to end all lines with syntactic pauses? It creates a more formal balance, which is one way to go. I question the rhyme scheme though. If you are going with the more formal regularity that I mentioned above, it would be nice to see the rhyme scheme stay more consistent and true. I suppose you may have been mixing in some free verse, which can be done well if used effectively. I'm not sure that you did it perfectly, but I applaud the effort to infuse it.
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I apreciate your constructive critisism, but i like my poem the way it is, its dirty and raw, and straight from the heart.
In all honesty i wrote that song one time at band camp.....but lets not get into that right now.