I missed last week's issue, so I'm going to make up for it by posting a double issue of stupidity today. Enjoy!
Special classified ads section
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Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
For sale; and antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mr. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
More Dan Quayle goodness
Great American sport. Horseshoes is a very great game. I love it.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 4/5/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
I'm not so sure that I will miss Johnny Carson, but Johnny Carson will miss me.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle (reported in the Houston Chronicle, 5/22/92 - taken from The Quayle Quarterly, Summer/Fall 1992)
I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, in a speech to the American Society of Newspaper Editors, April 1991
My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will never, never surrender to what is right.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle speaking to the Christian Coalition about the need for abstinence to avoid AIDS, 11/15/91 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
This isn't a man who is leaving with his head between his legs.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle discussing John Sununu's resignation and apparent lack of flexibility, 12/6/91
I'm glad you asked me that. This gives me the perfect opportunity to talk about the problems with this Congress...
-- Vice President Dan Quayle responding to reporters' questions about his use of Air force 2 to go on golf trips at the cost of $26,000/hour.
We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, (USA Today 4/22/92 - taken from The Quayle Quarterly, Summer/Fall 1992)
I've been told to keep my remarks relatively brief. I understand Quayle-hunting season begins at noon.
-- Senator Dan Quayle to a crowd in Eau Claire, Wisc. (LA Times 10/16/88)
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