(1 January 2002, Brazil) Russian Roulette has always been a breeding ground for natural selection, but the men involved in this story deserve extra consideration for their unique approach to this self-destructive game.
On New Year?s Eve, Antonio and his friend were befogged by a traditional Brazilian liquor called pinga, when they began playing Russian roulette with holiday fireworks. Their version of the game consisted of lighting fireworks, and holding them in their mouths to see who could delay longest. The man who discarded the explosive closest to the point of detonation was the victor in this battle of wills.
Their blatant disregard for personal safety was matched only by their foolish bravery. Antonio was the winner, holding one of the fireworks in his mouth a bit too long, and thereby earning praise for his "courage" at his funeral.
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(21 March 2002, Kentucky) In his youth, the man had whiled away many an afternoon hopping trains and riding them fifteen or twenty yards down the rails before leaping back off. But by the time he was twenty years old, he had apparently lost the knack. While demonstrating the trick to friends, our hero tried to hop a southbound train, but failed to notice the simultaneous approach of a northbound train, and was struck and killed.
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(30 January 2002, Brazil) Airport taxi drivers frequently hear the announcement, "The white zone is for loading and unloading of passengers only." But Santos Dumont airport in Rio de Janeiro may need to add a new phrase: "The runway is for take-off and landing of airplanes only."
"The signs that tell you to stop when the plane is on the runway are practically invisible," said the director of the local taxi cooperative. Apparently a Boeing 737 preparing for takeoff was equally invisible to one 64-year-old taxi driver, who sped onto the runway after dropping off his fare. He was right behind the jet when it revved its engines in preparation for a 140-mph takeoff.
Local aviation experts say the force of the 737?s jets is comparable to a hurricane, but, we assume, much hotter. The taxi was spun 25 meters through the air, hit the rocks at Guanabara Bay, and ejected its driver. The man?s tip for the trip was a broken skull and thorax. He is presently in a coma.
Airport authorities cited driver error as the cause of the accident.
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(8 February 2002, Pennsylvania) Outside a camp for troubled youths, sneakers dangled from the electricity line, presumably tossed there by a camper who enjoyed the challenge and notoriety. But the sneakers were an eyesore to one 20-year-old employee. They must be eliminated!
He stood in the raised bucket of a front-end loader, and poked at the sneakers with a device consisting of a fourteen-foot coppper tube with a pocketknife taped to the end. The determined employee had nearly removed a pair of shoes, when the knife pierced the insulation and made contact with the electrical wire. He was knocked out of the bucket and landed on the hood of the loader, with burns on his hands, a foot, and his buttocks. He died from his injuries three weeks later.
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Clement Vallandigham was a well-known Northern Democrat who campaigned for states? rights during the Civil War. In 1863 Vallandigham was convicted of treason for his speeches attacking the administration of President Lincoln. He was banished to the South, where he continued to voice his extreme political views.
After the war, Vallandingham became a lawyer. In his last appearance in the courtroom, he represented a client on trial for murder. The accused man?s defense was that the victim had drawn his own gun in a fashion that caused it to fire, killing himself. To prove the defense argument, Vallandigham demonstrated the victim?s method of drawing a gun--using the loaded evidence gun as his prop. The firearm went off, and he lost his life--but proved his case.
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(March 2002, Canada) In my small community, news travels fast, but it doesn't usually travel far. This is an event that I witnessed, but still can't believe. My friend James is a moron and a firebug, like every other boy in Grade 9. His father was an avid hunter who loaded his own shells, so James always had an ample supply of materials to satisfy his obsession.
One day after school, I noticed a group of kids huddled around James. He had filled a small, heavy-duty cardboard tube with FFFF powder, used for black powder rifles. The tube was sealed with a generous amount of duct tape, and had a crude wick protruding from the side.
James pulled out his butane lighter, instructed everyone to step back, and lit the wick. But instead of doing the natural thing -- throwing the crude M80 as fast and far as possible -- he placed it between his legs right below his crotch, while he stowed the lighter back in his pocket.
The wick burned much too fast, and before he could grab it and hurl it, the explosive blew up between his legs. James fell to the ground screaming, and when the dust cleared, we all expected to see a gigantic hole in his midsection. But we were astonished to find the tube in almost perfect condition, with the exception of two missing ends. There wasn't even a rip in his jeans.
Luckily for James, he hadn?t properly taped the explosive, and most of its force was released forward and aft. But unluckily for him, the explosion directed a certain amount of pressure against his testicles. James managed to make it home and change his pants, and he told his mother he fell while walking along the top of a fence, thereby avoiding trouble over playing with explosives.
That happened ten years ago. During a trip home for Thanksgiving, I ran into James, and it seems that he is unable to have children.
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Stay tuned. I'll have another update in a few days. There's lots more where that came from.
