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Xantar · 06-05-2002, 11:57 AM

Yeah, okay. I said that my topic in the General Forum would be my last post in three months, but I lied. This is my last post in 3 months. I just couldn't leave without one last update to my semi-regular stupid topic.

(7 March 2002, Colorado) When Gerald was pulled over by police for erratic driving, he decided it was
better to flee from the stolen car on foot, rather than face possible jail time for a parole violation. This
was the first of two successive mental lapses. Gerald’s actual thoughts are unknown, but *may* have
been something like this: "The officers are only suspicious and alert now... I’ll make them hot, sweaty,
tired, and angry by leading them on a wild chase through dark alleys and fields."

During the subsequent foot chase, Gerald attempted to dissuade officers from the pursuit by firing a
9mm Ruger semiautomatic handgun blindly over his shoulder. This was the second illustration of a
potential mental deficiency. "Officers are running behind me. They have guns. I have a gun! They have
eyes in the front of their heads, so they can see to aim at me. I don't have eyes in the back of my head,
so I’ll fire wildly behind me and see what happens!"

Unfortunately, Gerald appears to have been one of those folks who can't chew gum and walk at the
same time. Or at least he couldn’t flee and fire at the same time. While discharging the weapon over
his shoulder, Gerald managed to shoot himself in the head with his own gun, bringing the chase to a
sudden conclusion.

Four shots were fired, none by the officers, who found Gerald's pistol next to his fallen body. Gerald
was transported to a local hospital where he expired the following day, thus removing a set of genes
deficient in both judgment and coordination from the gene pool.

----------------------------

(March 2002, Colorado) I was a third-year medical student doing my first surgical rotation, when a man
came in who had consumed, along with a copious amount of alcohol, the panties of a local stripper.
After he sobered up, he waited for the panties to pass through, but they never emerged.

He began to feel bloated. That’s when the fearless fellow tried to fish them out with a hook constructed
from a wire coat hanger.

The predictable result: he was not able to snag the panties, but instead ripped gashes along the
length of his esophagus. He died from the effects of a massive infection, removing himself from the
breeding population.

His X-rays were the highlight of my very first M&M (Mortality and Morbidity) conference. I don't think this
was published, but there are other surgeons in the Denver area that remember the case.

----------------------------

(March 2002, Hungary) I can't name sources for this incident, but the story is commonly known among
Hungarian border guards who work on the Ukraine border.

Even the smallest border stations have Geiger-Muller detector gates, because of the threat of nuclear
smugglers from ex-USSR countries. These gates resemble empty doorframes, or metal detectors at
airports, but instead of metal they detect radioactive materials.

A man with a backpack arrived at the border. He seemed a bit dizzy, maybe drunk, but vodka is cheap in
the Ukraine and drunken passengers are quite everyday in this area. The man was instructed to pass
through the Geiger-Muller detector gate. He seemed a bit anxious, but finally he obeyed--and the gate
signaled a red alert!

A glance at the dosimeter made everyone run for their lives. The man was hot!

The Hungarian army dispatched an ABC (Atomic-Biological-Chemical) reconnaissance vehicle to
determine what had happened. The soldiers found the man sprawled facedown, dead, a few steps
away from the gate. They turned the body over and found a large hole burnt into his stomach. The
moron had taped a piece of plutonium to his body!

Later they found a discarded nuclear waste canister on the Ukrainian side of the border. If the man
hadn’t removed the plutonium to hide under his clothing, neither the gate nor the border guards would
have spotted what he was carrying, and he would still be alive today... but perhaps others would not.

------------------------

(January 2002, Croatia) A Croatian was killed while trying to open a hand grenade with a chainsaw. He
wanted to retrieve the explosive to make firecrackers for the New Year’s holiday.

06-05-2002, 11:57 AM	#20
Xantar Retired ********* Xantar is offline Location: Swarthmore, PA Now Playing: Posts: 1,826	Yeah, okay. I said that my topic in the General Forum would be my last post in three months, but I lied. This is my last post in 3 months. I just couldn't leave without one last update to my semi-regular stupid topic. (7 March 2002, Colorado) When Gerald was pulled over by police for erratic driving, he decided it was better to flee from the stolen car on foot, rather than face possible jail time for a parole violation. This was the first of two successive mental lapses. Gerald’s actual thoughts are unknown, but may have been something like this: "The officers are only suspicious and alert now... I’ll make them hot, sweaty, tired, and angry by leading them on a wild chase through dark alleys and fields." During the subsequent foot chase, Gerald attempted to dissuade officers from the pursuit by firing a 9mm Ruger semiautomatic handgun blindly over his shoulder. This was the second illustration of a potential mental deficiency. "Officers are running behind me. They have guns. I have a gun! They have eyes in the front of their heads, so they can see to aim at me. I don't have eyes in the back of my head, so I’ll fire wildly behind me and see what happens!" Unfortunately, Gerald appears to have been one of those folks who can't chew gum and walk at the same time. Or at least he couldn’t flee and fire at the same time. While discharging the weapon over his shoulder, Gerald managed to shoot himself in the head with his own gun, bringing the chase to a sudden conclusion. Four shots were fired, none by the officers, who found Gerald's pistol next to his fallen body. Gerald was transported to a local hospital where he expired the following day, thus removing a set of genes deficient in both judgment and coordination from the gene pool. ---------------------------- (March 2002, Colorado) I was a third-year medical student doing my first surgical rotation, when a man came in who had consumed, along with a copious amount of alcohol, the panties of a local stripper. After he sobered up, he waited for the panties to pass through, but they never emerged. He began to feel bloated. That’s when the fearless fellow tried to fish them out with a hook constructed from a wire coat hanger. The predictable result: he was not able to snag the panties, but instead ripped gashes along the length of his esophagus. He died from the effects of a massive infection, removing himself from the breeding population. His X-rays were the highlight of my very first M&M (Mortality and Morbidity) conference. I don't think this was published, but there are other surgeons in the Denver area that remember the case. ---------------------------- (March 2002, Hungary) I can't name sources for this incident, but the story is commonly known among Hungarian border guards who work on the Ukraine border. Even the smallest border stations have Geiger-Muller detector gates, because of the threat of nuclear smugglers from ex-USSR countries. These gates resemble empty doorframes, or metal detectors at airports, but instead of metal they detect radioactive materials. A man with a backpack arrived at the border. He seemed a bit dizzy, maybe drunk, but vodka is cheap in the Ukraine and drunken passengers are quite everyday in this area. The man was instructed to pass through the Geiger-Muller detector gate. He seemed a bit anxious, but finally he obeyed--and the gate signaled a red alert! A glance at the dosimeter made everyone run for their lives. The man was hot! The Hungarian army dispatched an ABC (Atomic-Biological-Chemical) reconnaissance vehicle to determine what had happened. The soldiers found the man sprawled facedown, dead, a few steps away from the gate. They turned the body over and found a large hole burnt into his stomach. The moron had taped a piece of plutonium to his body! Later they found a discarded nuclear waste canister on the Ukrainian side of the border. If the man hadn’t removed the plutonium to hide under his clothing, neither the gate nor the border guards would have spotted what he was carrying, and he would still be alive today... but perhaps others would not. ------------------------ (January 2002, Croatia) A Croatian was killed while trying to open a hand grenade with a chainsaw. He wanted to retrieve the explosive to make firecrackers for the New Year’s holiday. __________________ My blog - videogames, movies, TV shows and the law. Currently: Toy Story 3 reviewed Last edited by Xantar : 06-05-2002 at 12:04 PM.