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[Professor S]

My mother-in-law is driving me crazy. My husband and I just found out that we are pregnant with our second child, and I heard she’s pregnant, too. I cannot conceive of being pregnant at the same time as my mother-in-law! She has this notion that she is “too young” to be a grandma, and I am so angry with her for trying to take my spotlight. She is 44 years old, and it makes me upset that she wants to have children now (after already having three of her own) instead of just being a grandma. What should I do or say when she reveals her big news to us, which will likely happen when we reveal our big news to her?

Hmmm... you're having a kid and your mother in-law is 44 and having a kid as well. My advice is to call Jerry Springer and see if you can't hit the white trash TV lottery and get booked. Afterwards, I would be very interested to see if both of your expected children have the same father (I assume incest is involved on some level), and call up Maury to see who the baby daddy is... oh, I'm sorry, poor grammar... who the baby daddy be.

This way we might be able to delay your inevitable drain on the American welfare system and SCHIP programs. But judging from the situation I don't imagine anyone in your family is too good at planning things ahead of time, so in the case you can't get booked... TAKE... THE BITCH... DOWN. She's asking for it.