Battle Royale Part1

[Dylflon]

feel free to post any feedback.

[Ginkasa]

The sentences are far too short and simple. I felt like I was reading "See Spot Run." There were also a few sentences that could really have been better if they weren't wirrten like they were...

Example: The driver puts on a gas mask and the soldiers put on gas masks as well.

This would be much better as something like: The driver and the soldiers grab gas masks off of there belts and put them on.

Something like that. I also think that the soldiers would probably have already had their masks on.

There are other things but I'll leave that to the other members. My general advice: spend more time writing it. Don't just spend 40 minutes to write it, and the just post it. Re-read it. Edit it. Get someone else, family or friends, to read it and edit it.

Spend more time on it. Don't try to rush it.


*shrugs and walks away*

[Dylflon]

Thanks for thine feedback. I will go into more detail. I just wanted to put the beginning together quickly so I could start writing the more exciting stuff.

I did read through it myself again. I'll go back and improve it now.

[GameMaster]

Can one of us have the knowledge of how to deactivate the collars?

[Happydude]

can i be the guy with no collar?

[Dylflon]

Originally Posted by happydude666

can i be the guy with no collar?

Read part two. You're dead.

[Ginkasa]

Originally Posted by Dylflon

Thanks for thine feedback. I will go into more detail. I just wanted to put the beginning together quickly so I could start writing the more exciting stuff.

I did read through it myself again. I'll go back and improve it now.

Try not to hurry through certain parts to get to stuff you would like to write better. It makes the story suffer.


*shrugs and walks away*

[Classic Rocker]

Nice work. Lol I would laugh for real if a Japanese man said that to me