Poetry: Part 2

[Vampyr]

Awesome poem, JS.

More than worth this +rep.

[The Germanator]

Ok, this thing that I wrote wasn't ever meant to be a poem, but I've converted it into one....

Unionville 3

My parents called us
into the living room. Sitting on opposite couches
in the living room, they both spoke a little bit about how they were getting
separated.
I didn’t comprehend what this meant, but since everyone
else was sad, I was sad too. This was a time in my life when I poured
Sprite into my cereal because we were out of milk
and I drank beer one Saturday morning when we were out of Coca-Cola
because I didn’t know any better.
How was I supposed to understand the ramifications of this event? Now I know
to only pour milk onto cereal,
and that beer is not a good substitute if you feel like a soda.
But still,
how am I supposed to understand the ramifications of this event?

[Typhoid]

Originally Posted by The Germanator

Ok, this thing that I wrote wasn't ever meant to be a poem, but I've converted it into one....

Unionville 3

My parents called us
into the living room. Sitting on opposite couches
in the living room, they both spoke a little bit about how they were getting
separated.
I didn’t comprehend what this meant, but since everyone
else was sad, I was sad too. This was a time in my life when I poured
Sprite into my cereal because we were out of milk
and I drank beer one Saturday morning when we were out of Coca-Cola
because I didn’t know any better.
How was I supposed to understand the ramifications of this event? Now I know
to only pour milk onto cereal,
and that beer is not a good substitute if you feel like a soda.
But still,
how am I supposed to understand the ramifications of this event?

heh.....Thats good. You know when its a good poem when you can end a line with the word "Coca-Cola"

+reps for that...

[DimHalo]

Nice one Germ...

[Dylflon]

Things have been going pretty good for me. No heart breaks or bad times to inspire poem writing. I'll give it a go later though.

[Typhoid]

Originally Posted by Dylflon

Things have been going pretty good for me. No heart breaks or bad times to inspire poem writing. I'll give it a go later though.

Thanx for the update on your social life....What was the thead name again...Right...Poetry.......Heh, im kiddin, ur aaaaaaaaalright.

[jeepnut]

Originally Posted by Typhoid

Thanx for the update on your social life....What was the thead name again...Right...Poetry.......Heh, im kiddin, ur aaaaaaaaalright.

Careful. Talk like that could make you lose that shiny new green pip.

[Vampyr]

I've got a new poem. I popped this out of my head in like 3 minutes, so it needs A LOT of work. This is just a rough draft that I will operate more on later.
-------------------------
Despite all the odds,
I refuse to not regret.

Despite all the odds
Here I stand.
Despite all the odds
I'm still waiting for your hand...
Despite all the odds.

I regret all the moments not spent with you,
I regret all the kisses I never gave,
I regret all the hugs that I would never give.

I cannot rewind the moments
I can never make up for the pain.
Life will never let me love you again,
Because despite all the odds...
it just doesn't work that way.
-------------------------------------

[Vampyr]

I wrote two poems/songs in the past couple days. I want you guys to critique them:

Lacerated

You sold me your heart,
You sold me your soul,
You sold me your smile,
You sold me your dreams,
In a ten dollar wine bottle-
-In a ten dollar wine bottle...

There are lacerations in your smile,
There are lacerations on your face,
There are lacerations in your soul.
And they bleed...
Snow drop pearls of guilt,
Flooding your ravine of sorrow and silt.

I'm the lacerator of your body,
The hemmorage of your heart.
I punctured your body,
let the blood trickle down.
Cutting out your innocence,
Lacerating your insides.

And now you're lacerated!
You bit the bullet,
Felt the pain,
And watched as passion reaped its gain.-
And now you're laserated!

I sold you my heart,
I sold you my soul,
I sold you my smile,
In a ten dollar wine bottle.-
-In a ten dollar wine bottle.

There are lacerations in my smile,
There are lacerations on my face,
There are lacerations in my soul.
And they bleed...
Smoke cinder drops of rain,
Flooding my ravine of pleasure and flame.

You're the lacerator of my body,
The anurism of my mind.
Thrusting my body,
Let the fluid trickle out.
Pumping away my innocence,
Lacerating my outsides.

And now I'm lacerated!
I bit the bullet,
Felt the pain,
And watched as passion reaped it's gain.
And now I'm lacerated.



48 Months

Adulthood is creeping at your door,
And I can't stand these thoughts any more.
Despite my fear,
The good-bye flames are going to burn you away from here.

And I sang:
How will you change?
Will you have forgotten the pain,
After spending four long years in the rain,
Will you still be the same?

Will you remember me,
When I'm lost in your web of memories?

Will I become that lost warrior of your heart,
as the salty waves wash by,
and push us oceans apart?

When you see the stars,
Will they still remind you of me?
Or will I be burnt
Into your invisible scars?

How will you change?
Will you have forgotten the pain,
After spending four long years in the rain,
Will you still be the same?

Will you still know me,
If I clipped both my wings?
Will you still call me a friend,
If you find me lying broken at the end?




Any suggestions?

[Vampyr]

I liked your second song the best.

It would be nice if there was a way for us to just post an actual audio file of us singing it the way it is supposed to sound, because songs are hard to express in written words.

I plan on editing and revising my 48 Months poem tomorrow when I wake up, using some tips Typhoid has given me on MSN.

+rep